My Online Story (With Comments)

The world’s biggest tomato is squashed!

Remember Antonio Fernandez-Carriedo the proud owner of the world’s largest tomato? He awoke this morning devastated to find his prized fruit completely squashed!

The Madrid local and acclaimed tomato fan had managed to grow the world’s biggest tomato earlier in the year.

He had even become a local celebrity because of it; everyone wanted to take a look at his tomato.

“I loved that tomato,” Antonio, 25, said, “So I was absolutely torn to find it squashed!”

Antonio is eager to find whoever squished his precious tomato and has his suspicions.

His good friend Lovino Vargas, who had been staying with him at the time, is one of the suspects.

“I have no idea why he would accuse me” Lovino said, “I love tomatoes as much as he does, so why would I squash it?”

Despite his friends protests Antonio continues to have his doubts.

“I think he was jealous of the tomato,” Antonio told us; “I was paying it more attention than him!” he laughed.

Comments:

Alana: In the first paragraph, to cut down on words, you could remove the rhetorical question and put how the proud owner woke to see it squashed. If you wanted to cut down on more words or paragraphs, you could maybe look to see if there were any more sentences you could cut down? Other than that I think it’s written brilliantly and is definitely interesting for the reader! I couldn’t stop reading!

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